To Nica With Love
Searching to troubleshoot a vulnerability panic spell, it is awfully tricky on a rainy day. It sucks when you are in paradise and the heavens open up with a bucket of water.
Contemplation is a dangerous game when unguided. And right this second, I am asking myself: How the hell did I get here? What am I going to do? What am I going to say? What happens if I say No? What happens if I say Yes? Or -I have adapted the following question to pretty much EVERY single emotionally charged situation I have put myself in- How can get out of this quick and painlessly?
Not such luck girl. I am in the arena getting all muddy with self-worth!
I have read, written, planned, daydreamt over and over again all the options I have, and those I could create for myself, for my career, business and personal development. The objective is very clear, superlatively clear for that matter. But the path is uncertain and I don't like that much, but I am managing well with some healthy stoicism. In the last year I have done so much creative and emotional dig-in, that I have scratched all surfaces and have left myself butt naked in the snow. This courage defines my decisions and how I handle myself. And I am very proud of that.
For years I was the master of "hiding and running away"... So in the middle of this storm, both literally and emotionally, it sucks I can't do that again, because I will kill for a rum hangover and a messy night I can't remember.
It all started bubbling up the night I arrived in Managua, lying on my sweaty back, I felt my heart pumping iron as in the last 6 months or so, stayed way from the firing line of my panic spells. No major event had shaken me or kept me awake.
That night, it was all very clear: there were options right in front of me I could take and embrace with a high level of risk, no guarantees. And all of them I did not, for a split second, thought possible 48 hours before. I was slapped with an infinite amount of options I didn't plan, but secretly wanted them all to happen for me.
There were a little too uncertain for my liking. So I prayed for guidance. Days have gone passed since I landed, but it is today when vulnerability is checking in. It is funny I somehow anticipated this post was going to describe how I graduated on the subject. Yet, as I write, I am in kindergarten, people! There is no fancy hat being thrown off into the sky or the emotional speech from the best student.
Vulnerability to me is when I peel my heart off my sleeve as I walk up a hill, then I place this amazing treasure in my hands, find a spot where I can be seen, offer it, risking being hurt, laughed at, rejected or criticised. Despite of experiencing a pretty strong inner desire to "leg it", I power through the first few minutes, take a couple of very deep breaths and say to myself: babe, you got zero control over this, so you might as well enjoy the ride. This happens every time I write an entry on this blog, for example. I hate it!
What I want now is certainty, although having a remote control to fast forward time will work nicely too. I want someone to come from the future and tell me: if you this or that you will achieve all your dreams and get tons of peace of mind, 100%.
Ha! Again, no such luck girl.
My sister's friend, who we jokingly nicknamed The Philosopher, will say to me: "wait and see". I sat down by the bar of this amazing place I am staying at El Tránsito, the bartender decided to share his love story with me. His conclusion was: it doesn't matter if I get hurt, no one can't take away from me what I have danced. His mate, joined us, agreed and finished the conversation with this little gem: "just wait and see".
These two 23 year olds reminded me that the power of showing up with your whole heart is infinite as the amount of options that are right in front of me. What would really happen if I don't get the job, or if I don't land my next contract, or if no one read my blog, or if my dream to move to Nicaragua never happens. I know, deeply inside, it will all work out just fine.
I have no idea if I will ever graduate, I reckon, this is a lifetime degree never to be finished. In the meantime, I will always have the power of my heart and all those crazy ideas that come to me on rainy days.